Unlocking the Best Version of Ourselves: Lessons from a Plum Village Retreat
This week’s letter is a little different. After recently concluding my journey of founding and building Supersocial, I found a perfect moment to pause and reflect. So, I joined a special retreat that turned out to be incredibly transformative. I’m still in the process of absorbing all the lessons, but I wanted to share my takeaways with you in the hope that they can inspire you to discover something new and maybe help you navigate whatever you might be experiencing right now.
The retreat I attended in Hawaii was led by the Plum Village monastery, which Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh founded in 1982 and is now Europe’s largest Buddhist monastery. The teachings were deep, profound, and incredibly practical. They focused on two main themes: how to handle suffering and how to generate happiness. These lessons felt spiritual and actionable and can offer a roadmap to becoming the best version of ourselves, whether as family members, friends, colleagues, or entrepreneurs.
Handling Suffering: Turning Pain into Purpose
One of the most profound teachings for me was around how to handle suffering. The process is deceptively simple but can be deeply transformative:
Ah! There is pain
The first step is simply recognizing that there is pain, whether physical, emotional, or mental. Acknowledging its presence is the first step toward healing.
Naming it
Identifying and naming the pain helps us distance ourselves from it. Instead of being consumed by it, we can now confront it. It becomes something we can work with.
Embracing with compassion
Perhaps the most crucial step is to embrace the pain with compassion rather than rejecting it or running from it. We accept that suffering is part of life and can respond to it with love. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “The purpose of mindfulness is to help us stop and recognize that suffering is there.”
Where in the body?
This step encourages us to connect with our body and identify where the pain resides. Is it in our chest? In our stomach? In our head? Bringing awareness to the physical sensations allows us to approach the discomfort with more compassion.
Breathing
The breath becomes our anchor. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” By focusing on our breath, we can calm ourselves and stay present in the moment.
Where are you coming from?
This step invites us to reflect on the root of our pain. Are our thoughts and reactions coming from fear, anger, or frustration? Self-awareness helps us shift from reactive to mindful responses.
Let go of the story
Much of our suffering comes from our stories about our pain. When we can let go of the narrative around the pain, our suffering begins to shift. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “When we let go of our thoughts, we become free.”
Allow the pain to shift
Pain becomes a force for transformation. By sitting with it, acknowledging it, and using it as fuel for change, we not only heal ourselves but can catalyze positive action. As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “Suffering is not the end. It is the beginning of healing.”
Generating Happiness: Living with Integrity and Action
The retreat also centered on how to generate happiness. The key insight here was that happiness doesn’t simply emerge when the conditions are right; it’s something we cultivate actively through the way we live:
We are all meditators, artists, and warriors
These three roles encapsulate a life well-lived. As meditators, we bring awareness to every moment. As artists, we shape the world around us with intention. As warriors, we face life’s challenges with courage. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness.”
Integrity over achievement
In today’s world, we often chase the next big goal or success, forgetting that the process — staying true to our values — is what really matters. Living in alignment with our integrity every day, even when things aren’t going according to plan, is more important than any outcome. Being true to ourselves is the essence of happiness.
Communication and connection
The foundation of communication is about returning to ourselves. When we are centered, we can communicate with others in more empathetic, open, and transformative ways. There’s no love without understanding, and meditation teaches us how to return to ourselves to connect better with others.
As a Family Member: Embracing Compassion and Integrity
These teachings have shown me that compassion—for ourselves and our loved ones—is perhaps the greatest gift we can offer. Life with family is not always smooth, and we inevitably face challenges. Whether managing stress, dealing with disagreements, or navigating life's unexpected hurdles (like the one my wife and I are experiencing around IVF), there’s always a chance for growth. The beauty of these teachings is that they remind me that acknowledging the pain in these moments, rather than resisting or avoiding it, creates space for healing and deeper connection.
Plum Village teaches us that when we approach difficult situations with empathy, we don’t just resolve conflict, but we can also build resilience in our relationships. Compassion means understanding where others are coming from, and it means offering grace, both to them and ourselves. By living with integrity, we can model the behaviors of patience, understanding, and authenticity we want our children to see. This could help us show up more fully for our life partners and children, but also help create an environment of trust, understanding, and love where each family member feels heard, valued, and supported. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.”
As a Friend or Colleague: Building Deeper Connections
The Plum Village approach to communication could be deeply transformative in our relationships with friends or colleagues. Focusing on what’s wrong or what needs to change in our friendships or work relationships is easy, but Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings remind us first to acknowledge what’s going right. Too often, we overlook the small victories, the quiet acts of care, and the unspoken support we share. By starting with what’s going right, we create a foundation of appreciation that helps foster a deeper connection.
I’ve also learned that communication isn’t just about speaking; it’s about truly listening and being present. Being present isn’t just a physical act; it’s about engaging wholeheartedly in the conversation, without distractions. This can allow us to appreciate our friends or colleagues more deeply, hear their struggles, and be there for them in ways beyond just offering advice. Sometimes, it's simply about holding space for them. When we approach our friendships with this mindset, we can transform how we connect, moving from surface-level exchanges to meaningful, long-lasting relationships. Through this kind of deep listening and presence, we can build resilient and enduring friendships, capable of weathering life’s challenges together.
As a Founder: Turning Pain into Productive Action
As an entrepreneur, I’ve realized that pain is an inherent part of the journey. Setbacks, challenges, and moments of doubt are inevitable, but how we respond to them makes all the difference. In the past, I might have seen these moments as obstacles, something to overcome or avoid. However, the takeaways from this retreat are teaching me that pain doesn’t have to be an impediment; it can be a powerful catalyst for growth. Sitting with the discomfort and embracing it with compassion allows us to learn and evolve from each experience.
Rather than shying away from pain or rushing through it, the Plum Village approach teaches us to use it as a source of energy and insight. Whether it’s a tough decision, a failure, or a tough moment, each experience offers a lesson that can propel us forward. In entrepreneurship, it’s easy to become fixated on quick wins and the end result, but Thich Nhat Hanh teaches us that true success lies in the journey—staying aligned with our values, keeping integrity at the heart of our decisions, and focusing on meaningful action that leads to lasting impact.
By committing to a higher purpose and staying grounded in the values that matter, we can build businesses that aren’t just about financial success but about creating something that aligns with our mission and contributes positively to the world. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” In business, this could translate to building a company where the team and the mission are equally loved and respected, creating freedom in the work we do.
Returning to the core: Presence in every role
Ultimately, these teachings have shown me that the best version of ourselves is one who shows up with integrity, compassion, and presence. Whether at home, with friends, or in business, returning to ourselves — to a place of mindfulness, love, and openness — is the key to cultivating meaningful relationships and finding success.
The more we integrate these teachings into our lives, the more we can create lasting positive change, personally and in the world around us. The teachings crystallize that it’s not just about chasing goals but about living in a way that honors the journey, embraces challenges with compassion, and continuously evolves toward becoming our best selves.
As I continue to reflect on these teachings and integrate them into my daily life, I encourage you to join this journey. Whether facing challenges or simply seeking greater fulfillment, returning to ourselves with mindfulness, compassion, and integrity can unlock a powerful and peaceful version of ourselves.
I’m just getting started.
Thanks for reading,
Yon
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